The Day My Dad Was Going To Die

Whew this is a vulnerable one. It is heavy so just giving the heads up.

It has been jumping into my head lately. The fact that when my Dad departed our daughter was only four months old. There was so much to process and don't think that I ever REALLY took the time to do that.

The masculine side of do, problem solve etc. took over and did not really take time to dip into the feminine and say damn this is hard. Don't get me wrong I have acknowledged that and have said that but not sure if I ever really just stopped and healed.

Here is a portion of the article.

As life unfolds it invites us to question our roles, identity and what we believe is right & wrong. One does not know how they will truly respond or react until the situation is presented. 

It was July 25th 2003. Though my father was young at the age of 62, he had many health issues and it was determined to be his time. We had made the decision to take him off life support and the doctors said it would be within the day that he would be gone. It felt so strange to wake up that day and think, my Dad is going to die today. I had lived 35 June 25ths and never expected that my 36th would be the day I would lose my father

We woke up in the early morning, to get ready to go over to the hospital. I had slept over with my Mom and brother, it just felt right to spend the night at the home where I grew up on the day that my father would leave this planet. In one day reality struck, leaving childhood behind and stepping fully into adulthood. We went to the hospital to meet my husband, 3 year old son and 4 month old daughter and close family members to be there for support and to say goodbye.  

It was all very surreal what was happening in two different rooms in the same space in our movie. My mom, brother and I stood around my Dad telling stories, saying how much we loved him while not knowing exactly what to say. We were crying, holding hands and all at the same time trying to appear strong for him to allow him to feel safe in what was the next step. The rest of the family was in the waiting room with the kids and cousins playing, eating snacks and having a different experience, I can only assume. 

I am very grateful for the opportunity to have known the day that this major life transition was happening. We were able to be together and say amongst ourselves what needed to be said even though my father could not speak. There is a beauty in being in a space together truly being present and acknowledging the moment despite the circumstances. 

When faced with these circumstances this was all new territory. How is one supposed to act in this situation? What is considered appropriate or not? Should my kids have been in the hospital waiting room? These are all decisions that were made as a family and with raw emotion. When facing life and death I believe the true gift is LOVE. 

Here is my question for you:  What makes you feel free? It does not have to be a huge leap, like leaving your job. It can be dancing around the kitchen with the music blaring and singing at the top of your lungs. 

You deserve to be free… It can be found in places like this: 

• Activities you love to do or want to

• People that you surround yourself with

• Music that inspires 

• Mantras or practices

• Whatever else comes to mind

Go outside the box and Get it out of your head and into the world by: 

• Writing it as a story

• Putting random words on post its to uplift and remind

• Journaling

• Vision boarding it

• Creating a song/Singing/Playing an instrument

• Hanging out with friends and creating a sacred space

• There are no rules

We don’t always know when our time is up. LIfe is a gift. Be aware of the moments, Be grateful for them however they present themselves. 

This is what truly makes us feel ALIVE. 

With love and creatively yours,

Hollis